Saying I LOVE U doesnt mean anything if the person that say it doesnt mean it.. love is not easy, but hate..is too damn easy...

HATE...LOVE... how ironic... when u love someone u love so much... but.. when u hate... u hate so much also... everything must be extreme in this HATELOVE thing... why don people just love but not hate? before u get married, u will love yr spouse so damn much until u willing to give yr life to her/him. However when u get married, when u fight and have misunderstanding, hatred developed as each other get annoyed of each other. and then.. there a divorce... hatred developed more and more there... why cant we just love and not hate?is it too hard to be done? but... as living in this world.. the hardest thing to do is to love somebody fully but to hate fully.. no problemo... Ironic?

I love u and will always do...

This few days... i miss the love that i once get b4... long lost love... yesterday,i even get a dream of meeting him. Do i really miss him? or its just a feeling that i get b4 i got my pms. Everytime i put the ring that he gave me into my finger, i dono, all the memories just coming back to me like its just happen yesterday. i know that he already got a new love in his life, and good for him. But, perhaps no girls like to know that their ex already have somebody else to replace them. its too heartbreaking to accept and knowing the truth. Eventhough i always trying to not believe whatever a guy say when we in relatioship, but... the truth is... i want to believe it, we want to believe it. Its cold hard truth. maybe, that the reason why girls always get cheated. however... its my sweet first love... if its not because of religion, we must be still together now. MAYBE. but.. i don blame the religion, coz, its just our fate. maybe there something good behind all this. I love him and still in love with him. Just seeing his picture make me feel like wanna run to him and hug him saying that i don care.. i just wanna be with u. I love u so much...Chriso.. i really wonder do u miss me also? do u still remember our love? do u ? When i see a man that look like u or do things like u always do... i always remember u... first love is so hard to forget... but at the same time, its too sweet to forget... i love u darling and will always love u even when i got a new love. Coz, u my first love and nothing can change that.

here i would like to announce that i pass my exam and hopefully wont have any problem to proceed to my last year of degree beginning next year.. I'm so very happy... happy because i dont let my parent down again and that are tht most important thing for me.. I really want to make them happy. i'm glad, eventhough there are so many bad thing happen, there are still a good thing happen also... i'm just bless... thanks to allah.

This few weeks i been quiet. Been busy for part time to earn extra income. and while searching i been scam by a horrible data entry company that requires us to pay 200 for security deposit. I guess allah want to teach me a lesson. thats y i been fool by believing the scam. ahhh... cant describe how me n my fren get so frustrated when we noe we been scam. gone our 200... But..i believe on karma, what goes around come around. they will definitely get what they deserve some day. So, let they have fun rite now. Eating and pay your children school fee with black money wont bring any good. I sound like cursing rite? but.. thats the truth.. karma do exist.

But.. thank god i pass my exam, so.. all the frustration been heal by it...

I just read a blog of almarhumah sara aziz. Her love in photography really moved me to get more serius in pursuing my dream to become a photographer. I want to be a profesional photographer. not because i want to earn money. But because my love of photography. When i take picture, its give me a satifaction that i cant describe... i just want to take more n more... i love it... catching people laughter,love, sadness and the beauty of allah create really make me feel so.....hmm... its really hard to describe. But, i noe what i want and love i love taking picture, i love computers. Nothing can chance that facts.

PERIOD SYMPTOMS

Every woman/Girl have their very own symptom before they having their period. Same with me. P

My symptoms are:

1. Crying over long lost love (that is the time i will miss my first love and hoping to have him beside me)

2. Feel Hungry all the time (i craving like a pregnant lady, god... save me)

3. Get mad very easily (everyone just seem so annoying...LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!)

4. My stomach feel bloated ( wardrobe malfunction, HELP!!!)

5. Get tired so fast

6. Sleep alots

7. Thirsty all the time

8. Feel depressed

since i start writing back at this blog while listening to leona lewis with her incredible song 'BLEEDING LOVE'... I decided to write more n more everyday as much as i can. thougth this maybe a therapy for me. A mindmental therapy i call.

well... yesterday night, i fight with my mum again. I really hate to fight with her. But, i dono, when it come to family, i become so rebellious... well, that what my mum said also. i become so rebellious and i actually realize that... i got so much anger. i hate being like that. i really pity my mum to have a child like me. i noe she been through alot of thing in her life... and she don need to me to add on. but.. i dono why, in my family, i intend to speak out. intend to tell what i feel and disagree at. I will tell my mother if i don agree with her thinking... i hate when people judge and stereotype me to others. i am for what i am. i don want to change for anybody. i will change certain things for good. but, not the whole me.

but.. i noe... the 'ME' that i'm talking about is hard to be accept.
rebellious, hot temper, bold and hard to show her affection to people.
i always having problem with people due to misunderstanding.
my friends say i like to make assumptions. and that create problem to me.
hahaha... funny... all the time i try to take care my words and actions, that time also i actually make people misunderstand me.
how not to being hurt? how to not feel insult? how to not feel low?
thats the problem i having all this time.
when the time i should show my true feeling, i just keep quiet or react the opposite way eventhough i wanted to show other feeling. perghh... this is the time i so called ms.confuse.
when your friends give u something that mean alot to u, u suppose to cry and tell them how grateful u are rite? after all that they done to u? but instead of showing u grateful and cry, u hold back. showing the opposite thing. now, celebrating your next birthday with them will be... hmmm... i dono, guilty? feel like u don deserve it? yah... i don feel like i deserve to celebrate my birthday with them anymore, i noe i shudnt think like that. but.. that what i feel since that incident. i hold back my feeling at the wrong time. and now. the guilt is torchering me.

hah.. here am i again...
just started my long holiday since 5 september...
feel bored as hell.. and it making me depressed... very depressed... as i looking deeply at my life and see.... hmm... nothing... nothing special, nothing to proud of, nothing to do.
Well, if u consider a housework is a job, then i didnt do that either.. hehe... i am lazy, i noe...

right now if u all asking me what am i doing, well... my answer is...
" i'm watching tv, what else?"

and the reason why i writing this in blog is because i'm bored and i got nobody to talk to...
so here i am... talking crap while watching mtv. :p

how to unclocked my brain? yah... u all hear me... how to unclocked my brain?
its like there's something stuck in my brain that doesnt allow me to think more or stop me from being more creative... haha.. sound crappy.. but yah... thats how i feel. i want to unclocked my brain...

so how? should i take yoga class? or should i take aerobic class? or should i do something crazy?
hmm... so many question isnt it? i noe... TOTALLY... har...

my throat is hurting me now... lack of water i guess... its fasting month, with this kind of weather, for sure its easy to get sick...
my body? getting bigger i think... its not like i don want to do anything about it... its just coz me lazy.
lor.. u all must be think i'm such a lazy ass kan?

well...i think i am...

education, deep knowledge, and being smart are wht it takes to be succeed... is it? well.. its true i suppose. without education, we wont get a good job. when we didnt get a good job. how we suppose to get support our family and repay our parent. so, i need to work hard and try to do my best.

but...it just so frustrating when u not bright as other kids. getting A's, medal, and compliment for your accomplishment. i got none of it. sad but true. this make my parent feel dissapointed at me. but, they didnt noe, how more dissapointed am i towars my own self. its hurts and ashamed when i see people getting good marks at school and me? none. there many times i almost give up and just don wanna care anymore... however, as i about to give up, i realize that not everything lucky, not everyone bright. so, i must be good at something else if its not education. SO... nowadays, i didnt evaluate or saying myself that i'm stupid, nowadays, wht i do is, i say to myself... come on akmar, if u dont get a good marks, its ok. u try your best. there are more thing for u to do and if u think u good at other things, go for it. don hold yrself back just because u didnt get good marks or medal. so, now, i living. HARD BUT LIFE MUST GO ON.

LIFE is full of phases. its up to us whether we want to go through all the phases or just stay in one phases. For me, i believe i have to go through all the phases to learn and never give up ignore all the obstacles it may be. I learns alots of thing that help me to go through my so called life. i learn to love a man, learn to love my friends and learn to love myself. all this things, mean the world to me now eventhough some only left memories. in this many years of living a new life, i been lucky. i meet a true friends that are hard to find. i learn many things that undescribeable and unforgetable. somehow, i dont regret a thing. living a positive life is a new trend for me i guess, despite my past. rite now, i in an important phase of my life, where i need to learn how to work hard and be more matured and many more.

saya stress!!!

hahaha...huhuhu..hehehe..kui kui..muahahaha...muhuhuhuu..mamamammama...lalalalala...
does it enough to show how stress and depress i am now????? do it do it?????
whatever its show... i really feeling stress now due to having alots of assignment that me not sure how to do it... writing report??? please...i hate that..i hate writing formal report...
but... i got no option than doing and finish it b4 this wednesday....please please... give me some inspiration to write...
this few month.. i dono y... i feel so lost in everything i do...
i felt like i got so little fun activities than going to class...

i really need adrenaline rush right now...
hmmm...feel like doing something crazy....
hehehe...

things that i learn n love

In this past few years i learn alots of things. friendship, love and many more. love that i thought i will never get. i get it. eventhough the relationship doesnt last long due to some problem. but, i noe one thing for sure, the love teach me alots of things. n i will never regret it. i will never forget my first love. i will always love him for giving me all his love while i still with him. this past few years also teach me about friendship. the laughter,the fights, the misunderstanding, the love what make the friendship grow. All of that is like a recipe towards a great friendship and understanding. i love my friends. my soulmate, my fabulous. eventhough some of them stay far away or will gone for a while, they will always be with me in my heart n my life. my life wont be perfect without them. i'm bless with all the love that they give me.

Its 2008

Should i start this with a sigh? well.. *haih*... its 2008 already and my life still feel empty. i still havent achieve anything and .... *haih*.. ya..i noe another sigh is not good rite? its new year..i should start fresh like years before and do something about my life that full of nothing. no matter what i do, i just don feel the spirit. every now and then i always wonder... and ask myself "why'? arghhh..its frustrating. don u think so? well...i do...what should i do to make myself feel fulfill? whatever i do i always feel soemthing is missing. hmm...do i need a lover? but....eventhough i would love to have one. i just feel like i don really need one. or is it because i just got to low self confidence when its come to people and love? yah...i always have that problem.. telling people that i love them and believing that they love me back seem difficult to me. is it because i always tell myself to not to put hope on anything? well..since i'm too afraid people wont love me back and always think that i'm not likeable? arghhh!!!!! this is just so frustrating!!! until now i still thinking what shud i do... first shud i change myself for other people and not be me? second, how to lose weight and get determine on it?gaining weight is so frustrating.... damn... sometimes, i really hope there is doraemon. u noe doraemon rite? if there is doraemon, i can just comeback every day and say "doraemon!!!help me!!! i want to lose weight, i want to be happy, i want people to noe i love them without me saying anything and give me a magic tool that can make people to like and love me..." ya ya..i noe.. in my dream rite? hahaha.. i just hope i can become a better person. seeing people live the life that i dream for really make me jealous sometimes. i noe i shudnt do that, but, sometimes, i feel that everyday i dream for is to far away from me. to hard to reach. telling myself to think positive and go on is tiring sometimes.... arghh!!!! i just don care..i just want to be happy and hope one day i will success and make my parent proud for the first time. hahhaha...laughter can be the medicine rite? smile always and be good. god... i'm just tooo....*whatever*....hahahaha...

Do ak care or Don care

Does that headlines make u all think? huh huh? hahaha...do ak care? or don care? a question that make me wonder also... ahah.. i do care but also don care...confuse? me too... ^_^ ... its 2008 and i thought of doing this blog...*sigh* what can i do... alots of my bestie is leaving for good. and now most of the time.. i all alone... arghh...frustrating!!! but noe what? ak don care ;)
since this is the first post..shud i let u guys noe some of my details? well..i wont tell much because others u all need to figure out yourself.

So, let me start. who is ak(which is me..hehehe...)? me? ordinary,low self confidence (eventhough most people don think so..weird).., chubby ( arghh...i just hate to admit that i'm fat because its too frustrating), happy go lucky, once love somebody will be forever, sensitive, blur, not A's student, hate writing..but dono y doin this, hot temper, ak dream is to be a profesional photographer and a famous graphic designer.

i just want to say this out loud

"AK DON CARE"