"biarlah ku relakan segala walau hidup sebuah tanda tanya..."

Tapi ini tak bermakna aku mengaku kalah bila kurelakan segalanya.. Terlampau banyak dugaan yang menimpa hidupku dan orang2 di sekeliling. seakan, semua sedang menerima hukuman daripada allah kerana lalai dalam dunia yang penuh dengan dosa ini. hidup?life? many things just seem uncertain right now. recently, i just know that one of my close friend is having a disease and have to take medication for the rest of her life. wow, life seem so full of suprises right now. regarding my fam, things doesnt really get better yet.dono will its get better. or will its get worse. for now, i choose to ignore and not think any sad and depressing stuff. but still, i cant really do my fucking assignments. So many choices i need to make ths year. big one. sometimes i see things so simple. but, in time, its can be so complicated as things keep shiftings and doesnt work in the same old way. my life seem empty and restless. i cant do anything to help my family. as for education, eventhough, i fighting for a degree now. its still see so blur right now as i not sure am i capable in getting it. i hope i can for the sake of my family. for the sake of my parent. for their happiness. i want to see me graduating. but, since the situation is like this now. my dad wont be able seeing me go up to the stage and take my degree. its really heartbreaking.

stress

erghh... stress.. what else... since the due date is very close.. plus with other unrelevant pressure that i get.. life just seem so stressful right now. Just now got headache over thinking too much. i very afraid that i cant pull off everything together. But.. i noe i cant blew this one. i only have this chance. bugger!!!!!!! please please... let me pass this shits... i feel like exploding.. everything doesnt seem right... erghhh..

thanks to allah... alhamdulillah

syukur to allah that help my family go through this hard time. At least my mind will be clear for now. Only to the almighty that i can ask for miracle. Please Ya Allah, make everything gets better. PLEASE PROTECT MY FAMILY... AMIN.

" Smile though your heart is aching"

Its a very stressfull and challenging year for me n people around me. SO MANY obstacles that we have to go through in order to mature or to learn. Some things can be fix and somethings need to do alots of works or just unfixable. Its easy to just give up and blame it on god and fate. But in reality, things didnt work that way. We already start strugling for our life even when we in our mother womb. and once we get out from there, its will greater challenges that will be up to us on how we want to accept all the challenges. Its tiring when our life are full of dramas, but, hey... who are we to escape all that drama. sometimes we just need to accept things.

However, its easier to say than done. Doing is different things. I in my final sem and wanted to do my very best. but, things that happen around me right now really effects me alots. I hated it when i hear my mother sighing and asking why does it happen, when its gonna be over and all. whenever she does that, all the strength that i try to build inside me just crash. its really heartbreaking to see your parents suffer at their old age and to worse things is when we as child, can do anything about it. I love my parent very much. Eventhough i have alots arguments with them. But, i never forget what they already done for me.

What i feeling right now is so unexplainable. its just so difficult to explain as it have mix of everything. sometimes i'm sad. sometimes i'm happy. and sometimes, i don think anything matter anymore. i'm so twisted.

shut the fucked up!!!

things are just so screwed up. Too many things change, Too little time to adapt. Too screw to say anything. Everything just so fucked up. Why things happen like this? why god test us so fucking hard.. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck life.

Its really hard to be apart from somebody we love so much so suddenly. without a word.. without a warning.. its teaches us alots in how to appreciate things and people around us. but apart from that, i also cant imagine how the person that had to suddenly leave feel right now. Its must be a big impact, suffering for something that what we call mistakes. Never ever i imagines life can be like this... things that are just so small can become so big. forcing people to do things that they don wanna do. odd things, bad things, stupid things. But... what can be say or done when things just happen?

Things are getting harder for me and family these days. Tragedy occur which leads to many pains and tears. never thought we have to go through this kind of test from god. its too hard to handle too painful to heal. no words can describe how much each of us is suffering right now. especially the one that we love the most. life been so mean right now, but i try not to blame its on life, fate, or god. Well... do i have right to do so? coz i'm not a good muslim to begin with. Even to ask help or forgiveness from god right now seem too late. But, what else can i do other than berserah. Everything is in god hand right now. What can be done here is only trying to do the best and be strong for your loves one. Even how numb your heart feel right now, thats the only things that can be done. Just pray and hope loves one will be protected and bless. Hope for a good comeback. Money can be find, but.. love and family cant be replace. Nothing. How ignorance i may seem, only god knows what inside.

restless

erghhh!!! i feel so restless right now. cant seem to do anything...
i try to learn 3d max for my final project... but nothing seem to progress so far...
i feel really2 crappy right now... i so scared that i gonna screw up with my final project not to add that i'm not sure i choose a right lecturer to become my supervisor.. everything just feel so wrong right now...
i hate to say that sometimes i feel like i just so screwed!!!!!!! i feel so tensed and fuck up....
so many thing went wrong... not to say the friendship that i have for years really doesnt feel the same anymore... i hate it when things just turn to be fuck up!!! YEAH!!! the word for today is FUCKED UP!!!! i just feel like shouting till my lungs burst!!!!!! sometimes i also feel like saying to someone that fuck u!!!! just because u thought i'm ok its mean i'm ok..i do have other kind of thinking u fuck!!!! asshole!!! bitch!!!!! argh!! i just so wish i can say those kind of things...

Dumb me...

I been thinking a lots bout my gym membership. i not sure whether i want to continue the membership or not. A lots of thing seem to be uncertain for now. I wish to go holiday with my fabs also are not fulfill coz of lack of money. In 2008 i had make a few dumb decision for certain things. I make decision too sudden without giving myself a time to think throughly. result... i get scam n now i have to think how to get money to pay for certain stuff everytime. arghhh.... its tiring...

I thought of going to ipoh to see my soulmate kani also been delay since i don have the money to do so. Things are just so difficult right as i'm broke. CLASSIC!!! actually.. i kinda regretted for not working or doing internship during my holiday. Again... DUMB ME. arghh... but... its all too late right now.. coz, i gonna start my new sem soon. AND WELCOME BACK TO REALITY MS.CONFUSE. i guess the nickname suit as i 'm always confuse in what i suppose to do. freaking me. :( however.. rite now... i just hope that everything will get better and i can go to ipoh to see my soulmate b4 my class started. :)

My first post in 2009 :D

U all noe wht? when i created this blog i don really noe what i gonna do about it? Since i not the type of people that like to write their life experience in internet and let everyone see it. But, somehow i just do it. Against my believe and what i like to do. And here i'm writing anything that possible for me to share with whoever interested to read :).

2009? its almost a month since 2009 arrive. Times sure flies freaking fast. And next month, on 16 Feb, i gonna start my 3rd year of degree. argh!!! the closer its get, the scarier it become. I feel happy and excited for being able to proceed to year 3. But, at the same time I'm very scared of what gonna happen later. Coz, i wanted a degree badly this year and i cant accept it if anything bad happen. OH PLEASE YA ALLAH. GRANT ME A DEGREE... amin. This 3rd year of degree i been waiting for so long. the year that gonna bring me closer to my degree/success/happy smile on my parents. I really need this badly. Not just for the sake of finishing the degree or for myself, but for the sake of my parents that work hard for almost the rest of their life to provide me a good education. SO, this year i gonna work harder than i ever be before. No more playing and no more relaxing. I really hope me myself could motivate and remind myself to not 'lalai' in doing all this. Since i know my own self that is sometimes 'hangat hangat tahi ayam'.

If i able to get a degree this year... my parents burden will be less. As its my sisters turn to get one. i really hope everything turn out well and everything will fall into the places that they should me. AMIN TO THAT. :)

As for my plan in 2009, hmm... nothing much. Just plan to do well in my study and get a degree and also learn more about photography. I don have so much vision, but i have dream, a dream that one day i can open my own photo studio with my own concept that different from others. But, i not just day dreaming or anything, coz, i gonna make it a dream come true. Just wait and see. ;p